Out of My Control (Part 1)

(2011 USATF National Championships)

            Well it has been quite the roller coaster for me these past couple of weeks. After the Portland Track Festival I was in the top 24 for the Trials with one week of competition season left. I have never been so in tune with all the races going on around the country in my entire life. At this point things were out of my control so it may have been more stressful for me to follow every steeple result but it also gave me something to do, something to occupy my time.

            Meet after meet the results would come in and I would let out a sigh of relief as I remained in the top 24. Then the day before the absolute last day to qualify my heart sunk a little as I saw the entries for one last steeple race in Texas. A woman with an Olympic Trials A standard in the 10k and a very talented steepler had decided to race the steeple as it seemed the event that she would be the most competitive in. I kept checking online for the results and around 9pm I saw an online forum exclaiming she had gotten in.

            While I am happy for other people to succeed and reach their goals I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t crushed at the news. This put me 25^th in the Nation, one spot out of the Olympic Trials. I couldn’t really control my emotions and I definitely shed a few tears. This may sound silly to some but to have something you worked so hard to achieve not come to fruition within the closing hours is tough. I know I was not alone in my feelings. I would bet that 99% of people have “failed” at some goal of theirs in life. Dreams do not come easy but there is great reward in going for them. This is called living.

            At this point I was not 100% out of the Trials. It would all depend on the field size the USATF decided to take and whether or not any women scratched. I knew this but on Saturday night this was not even registering. All I saw was that Saturday morning I was guaranteed a spot in the Trials and by Saturday night I would have to play the agonizing hurry up and wait game. This happened to me in 2009 and I was not too thrilled about the prospect of doing this again.

            To give you a brief background in 2009 I was ranked 24^th in the women’s steeple. This would have been the first USATF Championship I competed in and the first National Championship period. I was ecstatic. After being told I was in I was informed they had decided to only take 18 women. Then I was crushed. I ended up going for a run to run through my frustrations, and yes I ran too hard. Later that night I found out I was going to be accepted in. Talk about a roller coaster. Levi and I quickly packed our truck and made the journey to Eugene. It wasn’t much notice but we made it. I definitely did not race my best that day, it also didn’t help that this was the year they left the women’s water barrier at the men's height, but I was happy to be there. 

(2009 USATF National Championships with Kara and Adam Goucher)

            So here I was in the same position, but on a much larger scale. I was only 1.66 seconds off the Automatic qualifying time and .77 of a second out of 24^th for the Olympic Trials. I did not sleep very well Saturday night and Sunday morning I was feeling tired but better. I went for an easy run to think about things. John (my coach) was bummed for me but told me to stay focused and train like I had made it because there was still a chance. I knew of a couple women who were battling injuries so there was a chance. I contacted one of them and was surprised with how honest and nice she was about the situation. She told me she would keep me informed and I was very grateful.

            By Monday, I had come to terms with the outcome either way. I was going to the Trials regardless of my competing or not. My husband Levi made it in the pole vault and my brother/coach John made it in the 3000m steeplechase. I couldn’t have been happier for them. I remember feeling so sad Saturday night but praying so hard for them to make it in. I knew how hard they had worked and did not want them to have to go through the same thing as me.

            Thinking of not making it into the Trials made me reflect on how far I have come and I was not disappointed at all. There was nothing more that I could do. After some praying and support from my friends and family I found peace in the situation. And right when that happened everything changed.