Honest Reflections of a Mother

(Eve 4 Months)

It’s been four months since my last update. Four months really isn’t that long, but in the world of a newborn it’s an eternity. For Eve, four months marks her entire life span and in those four months much has changed. Honestly, the first 6 weeks were rough for me and her too I’m sure. All that crying couldn’t have meant she was enjoying things. Hormones, coupled with lack of sleep and a very fussy baby were the perfect recipe for tears and a short fuse (sorry Levi!). I like to think I am strong and resilient and won’t be affected in a negative way by stressors like these but the truth is there were days I felt like I was crumbling. Being a mother has a way of getting to your core, leaving you open and vulnerable for the world to see.

                With my first baby (Lily) I was able to actually sleep when she slept. She wasn’t as fussy or as clingy. With the second, I couldn’t sleep when she did as I had another child to care for. When Eve would finally wake (after hours of work getting her to sleep) it seemed like constant crying and spit up. I started trying to eliminate things from my diet as she also broke out in a rash all over her face. Thankfully, when I took her to the Pediatrician I was told it had nothing to do with my diet and that her spit up was something she would outgrow. Giving up ice cream would have broken me so this was good news! The rash went away and hasn’t come back since. Who knows what caused it. I worked on some nursing techniques (more burping, not letting her nurse when my milk let down as it would come out too fast and she would over drink) and kept her upright after feedings. She still spits up but it has gotten a lot better. She doesn’t seem uncomfortable anymore. I think some of the issues may have been oversupply and a very ambitious baby who thought she could handle all that milk! That would be the Ricardi genes in her. We tend to be bottomless pits when it comes to eating.

(Levi at work)

                The interesting thing when I had my roughest moments God would send help. When I was struggling, God sent others for me to lean on. I remember one particularly tough day when Levi was gone on his 48 hour shift. I had posted something on Facebook about Eve crying. It was probably a silent cry for help or venting but my neighbor understood. I was lying in bed crying when I heard a knock on the door. It was my neighbor. She had texted me to see if she could drop off her Ergo carrier for me to use (since Eve wanted to be held constantly) and I told her she could but that I was a “wreck.” When I opened the door I must have looked worse than I thought or maybe she just understood, being a Mother of three with a husband who has to travel often for work, because she gave me a big hug and said she was going out to pick up a bouncy chair for Eve and a meal for me. When I felt completely defeated God sent help, someone to help lighten the load with an act of kindness. Things didn’t seem so tough after that.

                It is hard for me to take myself back to 3 ½ months ago and really portray my feelings in those moments because things are so different now that it’s hard for me to imagine I actually felt this way. At the time it felt like an eternity, but now it seems so brief. I got through those hard infant weeks but not on my own. I prayed, I called family, I let friends help. The last is hard for me to do. It still is but I am working on letting people help me when offered. A friend once told me if you constantly tell people, “No,” when they offer to help, you are taking away their ability to give you a gift.

                Eve is now four months old and not every day is easy and I can’t say I have it all together all the time but the good days far outnumber the bad days. I made it through the infant stage and I am feeling like me again. At two months things seemed to change. She started sleeping 10 hours at night. She wasn’t crying as often, and her spit up didn’t seem to bother her. She still sleeps from around 7 or 8pm and gets up around 7am. Some days she wakes at 4am to eat then sleeps until 9am. Other days she’s up at 6am and goes back to sleep until 8am. I have no idea how I got so lucky with two kids sleeping through the night at an early age. I don’t think it had anything to do with what I was doing. I wish I knew because I would probably be a millionaire if I could write that book!  

(My bear)

             With Eve in a better schedule I am exercising more, sleeping more, and getting in a good rhythm of caring for two little ones. I’m still unsure about my competitive running future and whether or not that is something I want to pursue but right now I’m not ready to even go there. I’m sure in time things will change. That is life, a constant state of change. Lily is just over 2 and very strong willed so I am adapting to being a Mother to a bear and we’re figuring it out along the way. I try not to beat myself up when days happen that I feel inadequate, where I somehow convince myself I failed in some way as a Mom, or when I am short with Levi. I just acknowledge what happened and plan for ways to try and work on it in the future. My mom told me, “One bad day does not make you a bad parent.” It’s so simple and I know this to be true but I need the reminders.

(Happy girls)

             There are days when I am tired and at the end of the day, feel guilty for not doing more for my kids. Questions run through my head, “Did I do enough tummy time for Eve?” “Did Lily get outside at all?” “I can’t believe I just let her watch X amount of TV…” Or after a particularly rough day where Lily needed constant “consequences” for her actions it can make me feel like a bad Mom, even though I know that these are necessary things parents must do when they love their kids. I can’t always be Lily’s friend, sometimes in her eyes I have to be the bad guy. I can’t let her run in the street, or eat cookies all day, or watch TV nonstop, or drink out of the birdbath... When you do what’s best for your child you may end up with days where you feel like a “discipline machine,” and those days are hard. They bring up insecurities and doubt. Do I really know what I am doing? But at the end of those long days when I am tucking her into bed and I turn out the light a sweet little voice says in the dark, “Goodnight Mom, I love you.” And all the doubt disappears. I am a good mom.

(Kellers)