I felt so overwhelmed yesterday and it was a pretty average day for most American households. What I mean is my “busy” that made me feel overwhelmed, wasn’t any harder than another’s typical “busy” day.
The kids went to school and the day flew by with little things I was doing (and no I didn’t clean the bathrooms like I should have, I found other more “important” things to get done first, which included a run lol).
Levi was on shift so it was just the girls and me. I decided to do dinner after Eve’s practice as it’s always so stressful to get everyone fed and out the door by 5:15pm. Eve had practice at 5:30pm and Lily asked if she could stay home. I agreed and got Alita and Eve out the door, leaving a few minutes later than we should have. As I was pulling down the driveway I realized it was Thursday. Which meant the older girls had play rehearsal from 6-8pm. I reversed, ran in the house and told L she had to come. On the drive I got a call asking if I was willing to be a volunteer coach for L’s basketball. My brain was so scattered but after calling them back two different times, I got my schedule figured out enough to be able to volunteer. I dropped E at her practice, took A and L through two drive thrus to get food, then dropped L at play practice (E is always late Thursdays). Then I went back through another drive thru to get E’s food. Got stuck there longer than I wanted. I hurried back to her practice where I was 3 minutes late, so not bad, got E, drove her to play practice, dropped her off, and then bc it wasn’t worth it to drive all the way home, decided to stay there. A and I shared a frosty and she played outside at the playground until it got dark and we spent the rest of the time in the car. Luckily, I had crayons in my purse and a blank paper in the car that A was able to entertain herself with for the next 30 mins while we waited for rehearsal to be done and I did some Bible Study. We headed home and eventually I got all the girls off to bed.
During all of this I felt so defeated. I had so many, why am I doing this moments? But all of the things that made me busy were choices I had made, these were my yeses. I wasn’t forced to take on any of these things. I chose to and I was fortunate enough to be able to. But I also felt guilty. Guilty I fed my kids junk food (and not just from this one night, I feel like the last month our meals haven’t been great 🫠) and guilty I spent money when I could have been better prepared had I just made a game plan earlier in the day and not missed seeing “rehearsal” that was clearly entered in my calendar. (Side note Levi is usually the one encouraging me to spend money to offload stress so the guilt is purely of my own creation).
During the day I was feeling so encouraged and uplifted. I went for a 4 mile run in the beautiful fall air, through trees of vibrant fall colors, while I listened to worship music and praised God the whole time. And then the Devil pushed my buttons and left lies in my head that I failed as a Mom that afternoon/evening and that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. That my kids were getting a medicore mom. By the time bed time rolled around for the kids I was short and snappy. I wasn’t filled with grace. I wasn’t gentle.
But God is gracious and gentle even when I am not. After the kids were in bed I decided to do a little cleaning while I listened to The Story, which is a non indepth, basically summary of the Bible written as a novel. I prayed. I did some Bible Study.
My thoughts calmed, logic returned, and I realized everything that happened wasn’t actually hard. It was a few hours of busyness. My kids were thrilled to get fast food. Alita had a blast playing on the playground with me. It was a good day.
One of the verses that spoke to me from my Bible study was Acts 6:3, “But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!””
Throughout my day I had ups and downs. The ups, no coincidence here, were when I was putting Jesus in, and the downs were when I was weak and listening to self defeating thoughts that only come from the enemy. In Acts, this man was healed physically but the more miraculous transformation is saving a lost soul. We are all cripples until we find Jesus! I was crippled when I didn’t turn to Him, I was defeated and heavy laden when I tried to do it all on my own strength. I couldn’t. Without Jesus’ renewing power I was lame, even in my mundane day to day tasks. We are nothing without Him.
I awoke today with a renewed perspective and am ready to tackle another day, but this time I’m checking my calendar a little more closely.
No comments:
Post a Comment