Grief

I just wanted to keep a memory of some of my brief journaling thoughts. Our family lost a loved one 12/07/24. My husband and my nephew. He was 23.

These were some of the thoughts I wrote down. In time I may write a longer post. 

12/07/24 Sunday. I started writing something more real and raw but as we had just found out decided to wait as I didn’t want to run out ahead of the family during their grief. 

 "In the blink of an eye, everything can change. So forgive often and love with all your heart. You may never have that chance again." –Unknown

This time of year is busy and can be very stressful as you rush from one thing to another and try to get all of the things done. Don’t let the hustle and bustle distract you from what is truly important. All those little things don’t matter. Cherish your loved ones and praise the God who is the center of it all.

Praying for those who are grieving this time of year as well. For many, the holidays are not a time of joy but are filled with loneliness and reminders of loss. 

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." —Psalm 34:18

God bless you all this Christmas season.

12/09/24 Monday, a beautiful sunny day. But feeling the darkness of this world. I went out to hear from God. And He answered. 

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." (Psalm 121:1-2)

I needed to get out today. So I went and hiked the Manastash. I listened to worship music and wept. The entire time. It was a beautiful day. Sunny and cool. But a dark black, foggy cloud rolled in around Mt. Stuart. What a parallel to life. Light and the shadows. Holiness and sin. On the mountain top and the storm comes. Joy in one moment and sorrow the next. I got to the top and then started jogging down when I realized I hadn’t signed the log (normally that doesn’t matter but today I needed to). 

Psalm 34:18. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

I turned around and added almost a mile to my trip and went back up. I ran most of the way down as I had to make it down in under 30 minutes to beat the bus home. I did it. Ice cleats are amazing. It’s been a long week and it’s only Monday (Levi is gone the next few days to be with family). I was getting ready to rest tonight (I haven’t slept much in days), when one of my kids started vomitting. I was hoping she would be lucky and avoid it, but no such luck. It went through the household Friday/Saturday. Short lived but terrible while you’re in it. I don’t feel defeated. I am sad yes, but I’m going to be just fine. God has continued to answer me and strengthen me because on my own I have no power. 

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10

12/10/24 Tuesday. A gloomy and foggy day. 

One day it is sunny, bright, and beautiful. You are ready to seize the day. The whole world is before you. And the next it is dark, thorny, and cold. The darkness seems to stretch on forever. You don’t know how long it will last. But in Him there is light. The darkness cannot win. 

“For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.”

‭‭II Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ 

“Satan’s work of blinding is great. But God’s work of bringing light is greater.” -David Guzic

Work to see the light even on your darkest days.

We love you Smith! 

The Three Drive Thru Mom Guilt

I felt so overwhelmed yesterday and it was a pretty average day for most American households. What I mean is my “busy” that made me feel overwhelmed, wasn’t any harder than another’s typical “busy” day. 

The kids went to school and the day flew by with little things I was doing (and no I didn’t clean the bathrooms like I should have, I found other more “important” things to get done first, which included a run lol). 

Levi was on shift so it was just the girls and me. I decided to do dinner after Eve’s practice as it’s always so stressful to get everyone fed and out the door by 5:15pm. Eve had practice at 5:30pm and Lily asked if she could stay home. I agreed and got Alita and Eve out the door, leaving a few minutes later than we should have. As I was pulling down the driveway I realized it was Thursday. Which meant the older girls had play rehearsal from 6-8pm. I reversed, ran in the house and told L she had to come. On the drive I got a call asking if I was willing to be a volunteer coach for L’s basketball. My brain was so scattered but after calling them back two different times, I got my schedule figured out enough to be able to volunteer. I dropped E at her practice, took A and L through two drive thrus to get food, then dropped L at play practice (E is always late Thursdays). Then I went back through another drive thru to get E’s food. Got stuck there longer than I wanted. I hurried back to her practice where I was 3 minutes late, so not bad, got E, drove her to play practice, dropped her off, and then bc it wasn’t worth it to drive all the way home, decided to stay there. A and I shared a frosty and she played outside at the playground until it got dark and we spent the rest of the time in the car. Luckily, I had crayons in my purse and a blank paper in the car that A was able to entertain herself with for the next 30 mins while we waited for rehearsal to be done and I did some Bible Study. We headed home and eventually I got all the girls off to bed. 

During all of this I felt so defeated. I had so many, why am I doing this moments? But all of the things that made me busy were choices I had made, these were my yeses. I wasn’t forced to take on any of these things. I chose to and I was fortunate enough to be able to. But I also felt guilty. Guilty I fed my kids junk food (and not just from this one night, I feel like the last month our meals haven’t been great 🫠) and guilty I spent money when I could have been better prepared had I just made a game plan earlier in the day and not missed seeing “rehearsal” that was clearly entered in my calendar. (Side note Levi is usually the one encouraging me to spend money to offload stress so the guilt is purely of my own creation). 

During the day I was feeling so encouraged and uplifted. I went for a 4 mile run in the beautiful fall air, through trees of vibrant fall colors, while I listened to worship music and praised God the whole time. And then the Devil pushed my buttons and left lies in my head that I failed as a Mom that afternoon/evening and that maybe I wasn’t cut out for this. That my kids were getting a medicore mom. By the time bed time rolled around for the kids I was short and snappy. I wasn’t filled with grace. I wasn’t gentle. 

But God is gracious and gentle even when I am not. After the kids were in bed I decided to do a little cleaning while I listened to The Story, which is a non indepth, basically summary of the Bible written as a novel. I prayed. I did some Bible Study. 

My thoughts calmed, logic returned, and I realized everything that happened wasn’t actually hard. It was a few hours of busyness. My kids were thrilled to get fast food. Alita had a blast playing on the playground with me. It was a good day. 

One of the verses that spoke to me from my Bible study was Acts 6:3, “But Peter said, “I have no silver and gold, but what I do have I give to you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, rise up and walk!””

Throughout my day I had ups and downs. The ups, no coincidence here, were when I was putting Jesus in, and the downs were when I was weak and listening to self defeating thoughts that only come from the enemy. In Acts, this man was healed physically but the more miraculous transformation is saving a lost soul. We are all cripples until we find Jesus! I was crippled when I didn’t turn to Him, I was defeated and heavy laden when I tried to do it all on my own strength. I couldn’t. Without Jesus’ renewing power I was lame, even in my mundane day to day tasks. We are nothing without Him. 

I awoke today with a renewed perspective and am ready to tackle another day, but this time I’m checking my calendar a little more closely. 

Post Movie Musings A Case For Christ

The church I attend does monthly movie nights. This past Sunday Calvary played A Case For Christ. It’s a great movie about an atheist man, Lee Strobel, who sets out to disprove Christianity and is radically changed in the process. I’ve seen it before and have read the book but I enjoy every time I watch it.

When I got home I went out to walk my dogs under a nearly full moon. As I walked, I looked up at the vast and clear night sky and thought about the movie. 

I can see why Lee Strobel doubted. The Gospel story is incredulous. When you really think about what Christ did for you, it is humbling. Why would anyone die for me? How could anyone love me that much to die for me? Why would anyone willingly put themselves through torture and death by crucifixion? 

Strobel continues to try and put holes in the gospel story but continues coming up short. The idea behind the gospel seems unbelievable yet Jesus appeared to 500 people after His death. 500! If I had 10 different people telling me they witnessed something, all with similar accounts, I would tend to believe them. 

So Strobel decides if he can’t disprove these accounts then could Jesus have faked it? And again he comes up short. The Romans were professional killers, if any prisoner survived crucifixion and escaped, the soldier would be put to death. They knew how to kill. The flogging alone would have left Him in critical condition, on the brink of death. Plus, our modern medical knowledge proves when they pierced Jesus and blood and water came out that He was in fact dead. That’s a sign of death.

Strobel continues to dig and sees there are countless accounts of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection written 30 years after His death. So many of our historical pieces from history were written 1000s of years after the fact, and only have a handful of copies yet we hold them as factual. Christ’s life, death, and resurrection have numerous eye witness accounts attesting to it.  

As I walked I couldn’t stop thinking about what Christ did for me. But the more I think about what He did, the harder it is for me to wrap my mind around it. Christ, You died for sinful, broken, arrogant, selfish, conceited people like me. Why? For love! 

It’s hard to fathom this type of love. And the more I try to wrap my mind around it and understand it the harder it is for me to understand. But I do not need to understand. I just need to accept. And accepting often lands me on my knees with tears as I humbly accept this gift I can never repay nor am I required to.  

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” -1 Corinthians 13:12 ESV

How Deep The Father’s Love For Us


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